RK vs LPC & Ms Tuxedo Pants
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Buster goes to Philadelphia for a vacation, and RK volunteers to take care of his pet cat LPC in an effort to demonstrate responsibility. Only thing is, LPC hates RK and joins his mother Ms. Tuxedo Pants in making the boy's life a living nightmare. Meanwhile, Sparky and Wade compete against each other in a series of athletic competitions.
1. RK vs LPC & Ms Tuxedo Pants Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 24

Airdate: April 6, 2014

Title: RK vs. LPC & Ms. Tuxedo Pants

Segway Segment: Classic Music Videos ("What About Your Friends" by TLC)

Special Guest Stars: None

Satire/Social Commentary: None

SCENE 1

Space Needle Laser Tag Funplex

Interior Arena

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express is playing laser tag tonight. They're walking towards the battleground with their guns. They all have on vests, goggles, wristbands with spikes, and fingerless gloves.

SPARKY: You know what? I'm glad we decided to play laser tag, it's been long overdue.

RK: Yeah, we always have the best fun here.

BUSTER: Not me! I always lose.

JAYLYNN: Buster, you shouldn't be upset that you lose. You should be upset that you don't know how to win.

(Buster angrily stares at a beaming Jaylynn; the five reach the battleground)

WADE: Are you guys ready for an evening of total annihilation at my hands?

SPARKY: Not really, Saltalamacchia. You and I both know I'm the current Testicular Sound Express Laser Tag World Heavyweight Champion, and I refuse to let go of that title.

WADE: Are you trying to challenge me?

SPARKY: I'm not trying to challenge you. I'm attempting to throw down the gauntlet for an evening of hardcore competition.

WADE: That's kind of the same thing, don't you think?

SPARKY: I don't think that matters.

WADE: (sighs) Look, you guys know laser tag is nothing more than a science. A numbers game. Once you factor in all the variables, it's pretty obvious I'm going to be the guy walking away victorious.

SPARKY: Not if I have anything to say about it!

JAYLYNN: GUYS! There are five of us here. Which means you two aren't the only ones competing.

RK: Yeah. Don't think we're going to lay down for you two clowns. We're going to rock ya, shock ya, and clock ya. Because we're the Mighty Laser Taggers of Justice!

JAYLYNN: Oh my God, no we're not!

BUSTER: Please don't come up with more names, it's painful.

SPARKY: Well, I'm ready. What do you say, Wade? Eliminate the meek, then it leaves us?

WADE: You got it, Tex.

RK: Game on, bucko.

("Showstopper" by tobyMac playing in the background)

The five-person match has taken a turn, as it has now become a 3-on-2 Handicap Match. Due to Sparky and Wade's self-proclaimed "superior talent," they're not worried about the numbers game. Buster does a horrible job, as he is shot several times by both Sparky and Wade and misses repeatedly. At one point, RK even takes his gun and shoots Buster.

BUSTER: WHAT THE HELL?!

RK: YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!

With Buster more of the fifth wheel at this point, it becomes more of a tag-team match as Sparky and Wade make things even harder for RK and Jaylynn, now that their third partner is out. Eventually, RK and Jaylynn give up, and that leaves Sparky and Wade, who engage in a hotly contested battle until closing time. The montage ends as the guys look at the scoreboard above them near the battleground.

SPARKY: Alright. Let's see those stats, kiddies.

BUSTER: 0 kills, 0 points, killed 27 times. Why couldn't we have just went bowling?

JAYLYNN: 6 kills, 300 points, killed 12 times. I guess that's OK?

RK: Let's see here. 11 kills, 550 points, killed 19 times. Not one of my best nights.

SPARKY: 27 kills, 1,350 points, killed 10 times. Pretty good game.

WADE: 31 kills, 1,550 points, killed 7 times. YES, I WIN!

SPARKY: It's not a contest, Wade. We both did well together.

WADE: Yes, but my brain power was too much for you and it was most obvious I was better.

SPARKY: Alright, sports fan. I'm damn sure I'll destroy you in some other competition.

WADE: You name the time and the place, I'll be there. But I must warn you that I have a surplus of athletic inclination.

SPARKY: And I must warn you that when we go bowling tomorrow night, I'm kicking your pathetic ass.

WADE: You're on, Michael Yarmush. (shakes Sparky's hand)

SPARKY: It's your funeral, Luke Reid.

The five walk out of the Funplex.

BUSTER: I wish I could've done better tonight. I needed the momentum for Philadelphia.

RK: Philadelphia? What are you talking about?

BUSTER: I'm traveling to Philadelphia tomorrow for vacation.

JAYLYNN: Buster, you're nine years old. What the hell do you need a vacation for?

BUSTER: (walks over to Sparky's car and looks to the side, but not at the camera to indicate a flashback) Sometimes...things get hard.

WADE: I don't get it, what's he looking at?

SPARKY: I'm not sure if we're supposed to be aware or not.

FLASHBACK

(Buster is on his laptop in his living room, and he has a grilled cheese sandwich on the couch next to him)

BUSTER: Well, I'm now sexually attracted to Megan Nicole. Not exactly sure how I feel about that.

(Buster starts to eat his grilled cheese, but has a disgusted look on his face and gulps)

BUSTER: Oh my God! MY SANDWICH IS UNTOASTED!

END OF FLASHBACK

(Buster has a blank look on his face while the rest are bored)

JAYLYNN: You have to be (bleep) kidding me.

SPARKY: Bro, you're going on vacation because your bread wasn't toasted?

BUSTER: Hey, the struggle is REAL. And until we start acknowledging that, none of us are going to be complete. We'll be as crazy as RK.

(Instead of getting upset, RK has a cheesy smile)

BUSTER: I'm just worried about LPC. It's one of the very few times I'm leaving him by himself and I don't think he's responsible enough to take care of the house.

WADE: You do realize they have animal sitters for this kind of situation, right?

BUSTER: I don't want some nasty, Cheetos-smelling white guy touching my cat and feeling him up. Animal sitters are just code for bestiality enthusiasts. I bet those creeps get hard just thinking about it. How DARE you try and put innocent little LPC in a situation he can't handle, Wade? Do you care about me at all?!

(bored) WADE: At this point, no. And I can be more blunt than that if you want me to.

JAYLYNN: This takes me back to the days when Buster was the stupid one.

BUSTER: Look, we can all roast marshmallows and reminisce about the first season later, OK?! Right now, I need to figure out who's going to be in charge of LPC.

RK: I can do it, it's not a problem.

(long pause; everyone just stares at RK and acts like he didn't just say something)

SPARKY: So what time do you want to go bowling?

WADE: I have a preference for...

RK: Don't act like you didn't hear what I just said, I'm not an idiot. I can take care of LPC while you're on vacation, Buster.

BUSTER: RK, there was a very good reason why we didn't acknowledge what you just said.

RK: Why?

SPARKY: Because your track record of pet-sitting is worse than Peyton Manning's choke record.

WADE: Dude, I say this with absolute respect, you're a total monster.

RK: I think you guys are over-exaggerating.

BUSTER: Really? You know, I still haven't forgiven you for what you did to my pet hamster.

CUTAWAY GAG

Buster and RK are in Buster's room. Buster is mourning the loss of his pet hamster Stubby. Stubby's lifeless carcass is forlorn on the bedroom floor. RK looks somewhat unapologetic while Buster is in hysterics.

(close to tears) BUSTER: I can't believe Stubby's really gone. HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?!

RK: When he was on his wheel, I thought he gave me the finger so I choked him.

(Buster stares angrily at RK)

RK: I had the right to defend myself!

END OF CUTAWAY

JAYLYNN: Remind me never to leave my pets in your care, RK.

RK: Unless you guys have been living under a rock for the past two years, I have my own pet cat. And if it wasn't for my Mrs. Tuxedo Pants being pregnant, you wouldn't have LPC now!

SPARKY: We were kinda weak with the plots, now that I think about it.

BUSTER: I respect that, RK, but I don't want any deranged maniacs taking care of my feline friend.

RK: You guys can doubt me all you want, but having taken care of Mrs. Tuxedo Pants for this long, I can honestly say I've reformed. You have nothing to worry about, Buster. LPC is in good hands.

BUSTER: Well, it doesn't look like anyone else is lining up to take care of him at the moment. I'll sleep on it.

RK: Good. Because one thing you can say about the grand, incredible Ryan Kennedy Jennings is that I always put responsibility before anything else. (folds arms with closed eyes and a smile)

WADE: You still have the laser tag gun, don't you?

RK: Yes.

SCENE 2

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster has his bags all packed and LPC is right next to him. RK is looking around his condo.

RK: Wow, you have a wonderful place, Mr. Newman.

BUSTER: RK, you've been in my condo thousands of times before, you know what it looks like.

RK: You know, my sarcasm is highly slept on, I'm very disappointed in you for not noticing it.

BUSTER: Alright, so I'm only giving you the keys to LPC...

(Buster literally throws his house keys at RK; he smiles while RK looks annoyed)

RK: What...what the hell was that? Why did you just waste my time with that throwaway joke?

BUSTER: I thought it would be funnier, I don't know. Anyway, no one else is going to rush to the door and take care of LPC any time soon.

(doorbell rings; Buster opens the door to reveal a fourth-grade Hispanic girl)

HISPANIC GIRL: Well, Buster, you made up your mind or what?

RK: You approached Gilcy about this too?

GILCANIA: It's Gilcania, boo-boo. You don't have the right to call me Gilcy yet.

RK: I hate this girl so much. She's arrogant, everyone thinks she lights up the room when she's just a disruptive bitch, and she calls everybody by certain pet names in spite of how she feels about them.

GILCANIA: And don't you forget it, honey.

RK: See, just like that!

BUSTER: Sorry Gilcy, I'm giving the job to RK. So he can demonstrate responsibility.

GILCANIA: So you're entrusting your prized pet cat with the hamster killer?

RK: How in God's name did THAT get around?

BUSTER: You know that boy who was stalking me, got the restraining order?

RK: Yeah.

BUSTER: I think he knew about it too. But anyway, Gilcy, RK is officially in charge of LPC for the next week or two. It depends on how Philadelphia treats me. Or how I treat IT. It could go either way is the central bullet point of what I'm trying to get across here.

GILCANIA: Alright, baby. Just don't regret your decision when this kid royally screws things up.

RK: YOU probably screw a lot of things, don't you, boo-boo?

BUSTER: I'm not interested in your petty rivalry! LPC loves to exercise, so make sure he gets a lot of playtime. He's kind of demanding so if he keeps bothering you, just go with it and give him what he wants. His cat food is in the pantry, don't forget to feed it to him twice a day. And if he's being good, three times a day. And...

(Throughput this, RK and Gilcania have been staring each other down; Buster finally notices this)

BUSTER: And I know you haven't listened to anything I just said, so I wrote my instructions down on this piece of paper.

RK: I listened! You said no one has ever PROVED a superstition to be true. But that doesn't mean they aren't!

(long pause; Buster is bored beyond belief)

BUSTER: Uh-huh. So just follow the daily instructions and you won't have a problem. See ya.

(Buster and RK hug)

GILCANIA: Don't you want to say goodbye to your other friends, boo-boo?

BUSTER: I already did. I'm on my way to the airport. See ya, Gilcy.

GILCANIA: Bye honey.

(Buster kisses Gilcania on the cheek and leaves)

GILCANIA: Ooh, such a sweetheart!

(RK and Gilcania return to staring each other down)

RK: So are you going to leave any time soon or do I have to snap your neck to make sure of it?

GILCANIA: Don't talk to me.

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is holding LPC on the couch.

RK: I don't get why Buster didn't just let me take you here. I mean, why the hell would we leave his door open like that? Did he think about the consequences? Oh God, I'm starting to sound like him.

(KG walks through the door and immediately recognizes a difference between Mrs. Tuxedo Pants and LPC; long pause)

KG: RK, if Mrs. Tuxedo Pants gave birth again, we're eating it. I don't give a damn, we're eating that cat.

RK: Are you crazy?! We're not the Chinese place on Callaghan Street. This is LPC, Buster's pet cat.

KG: Buster has a cat?!

RK: Dude, he's had him for almost two years. Where have you been?

KG: I didn't pay attention to everything at the time. And I have to admit, I was somewhat high when Mrs. Tuxedo Pants gave birth.

RK: Wait. You just told me we were going to eat Mrs. Tuxedo Pants' kitten if she gave birth again. How did you not know her three kittens got adopted, with two of the adopters being my friends?

KG: You're with LPC for less than five hours, and you already sound like Buster. Is there anything special you need to do for him?

RK: Scratch. Exercise. Cat food. What's weird is that Buster's door is unlocked, I can go there any time.

KG: Isn't he worried he'll get robbed?

RK: No, this isn't Brooklyn, it's Seattle. Things are safe here.

(The next thing you see is two burglars sneaking into Buster's home, dressed in all-black with ski caps, gloves, boots, and masks that don't cover their eyes or mouth)

BURGLAR #1: Alright, you remember the plan?

BURGLAR #2: Yes. Operation Another Part of Me is a go.

BURGLAR #1: I hate that name.

BURGLAR #2: (Bleep) you, it was my turn this week.

SCENE 4

Barney's Bowl-a-rama Blitz

Interior Alley #4

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Wade are competing one-on-one tonight. Jaylynn is the supervisor.

JAYLYNN: OK, you guys ready?

WADE: Sparky, I hate to be the bear of bad news, but the chances of you winning tonight are miniscule. I happen to be an upper-echelon bowler.

SPARKY: We'll see about that. I doubt your intellectual jabs are affecting me here. I win games using the patented MacDougal Master Bowler Plan. It's very simple, but you would be amazed at how many people fail to use it the right way. In order to utilize it to your best abilities, you need to remember the three E's: Excellence, elegance, and...what the hell was that third thing? I want to say Easter, but...

(Sparky hears the sound of pins crashing and turns around)

JAYLYNN: Alright, strike for Wade!

SPARKY: What?! You haven't bowled in a year! How did you do it?!

WADE: Sparky, everyone knows one of the most elementary ways to obtain strikes is to hold the ball sideways. This, in turn, increases the ball's force and awards you more scoring opportunities. Of course, an ample amount of upper arm strength is required.

(Sparky angrily stares at Wade)

SPARKY: Let's get busy.

("'Til I Collapse" by Eminem featuring Nate Dogg playing in the background)

Sparky and Wade are in an intense battle for the right to be called the best damn bowler in Testicular Sound Express. Both boys had their high spots, such as Sparky's turkey strike or Wade leading by 25 points at a time. There were some blunders too, such as Sparky gutterballing twice or Wade missing the infamous 7/10 split after predicting he would get it for sure. Sparky's last frame ended in a strike, while Wade's last frame ended in a nine/spare combination.

JAYLYNN: Alright, let's look at the digital scoreboard.

(Sparky and Wade's names are stylized on the scoreboard as if it was the mid-to-late 1980s. For S. MacDougal, he scored 225 points. For W. Saltalamacchia, he scored 194 points.

(raising up Sparky's hand and imitating Justin Roberts) JAYLYNN: Here is your winner and the new Testicular Sound Express World Heavyweight Bowling Champion...SPARKY MORTON MACDOUGAL!

(off-screen) GUY: HEY, COULD YOU SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP?! WE'RE TRYING TO BOWL HERE!

GUY #2: Randy, there's no need to use expletives. WILL YOU SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT?! WE'RE TRYING TO BOWL HERE!

(Throughout this, Jaylynn and Sparky have blank stares at the two guys, along with Wade)

SCENE 5

Philadelphia Marriott Downtown

Interior Hotel Room

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Buster is re-entering his hotel room after a day of enjoying Philadelphia. He is whistling "My Name Is..." by Eminem.

BUSTER: Well, I had some fun today. 9:00 at night in a Philadelphia hotel room. I've made it.

(Buster turns on the TV, with a special Marriott Hotel introduction)

FEMALE VOICEOVER: Welcome to the Philadelphia Marriott. If you don't realize we have excellent service, you're an idiot. Spread the word!

BUSTER: I don't think I will, mam.

(Buster turns the channel from the mandatory Philadelphia-friendly Marriott network to CSN Philadelphia; two analysts are discussing the Phillies)

ANALYST: You know, I think the Phillies are a dark horse to win the NL wild-card this season. Their pitching has improved, the offense has become a lot more rejuvenated as seen in spring training...

BUSTER: I don't get it. They're talking about the Phillies and it's not the MLB Network.

(Buster turns the channel to the local ABC station)

REPORTER: Remember, ladies and gentlemen, in one hour, we take a look at some of Philadelphia's most prolific rap artists. Guys like Schoolly D, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, they're all going to be covered tonight.

BUSTER: What the hell? All they're doing is talking about Philadelphia!

(Buster turns to an unknown channel on commercial break)

VOICEOVER: You want flavor? You want tradition? You want the best cheesesteak experience in town? THEN COME ON DOWN TO PAT'S! A PHILADELPHIA INSTITUTION!

BUSTER: WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS GOING ON, WHY ARE THEY ONLY SHOWING (BLEEP) PHILADELPHIA STUFF?! IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY (BLEEP)...

(Buster remembers why this is the case)

BUSTER: Oh, I'm in Philadelphia, I forgot.

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

RK is raiding his refrigerator while wearing DX Army pajamas.

RK: OK, before I go to bed, I have to quench my thirst, so let's see what we got here. (camera shot of the inside of RK's refrigerator with RK looking inside) Alright, you've got your soda, your purple stuff, your Sunny D...wait, why is that even in here? KG doesn't drink it and I didn't buy it. Ooh, Tropicana Twister, sucka!

(RK takes out the bottle of Cherry Berry Blast Tropicana Twister and starts drinking)

RK: Ahhhhhhhhh. (looks at the camera) You know what they say about kids my age: If it ain't artificial, it ain't natural. (winks; he then hears meowing, which is LPC tugging on his pants) Hey, man, I'm drinking here, cut it out. And for you, it's time for bed.

(LPC meows in disapproval)

RK: I don't care, when Buster gets back, I'm telling him that his pet cat committed insubordination.

(LPC meows again and points to his belly. RK hasn't fed him yet.)

RK: If you're going to play with yourself, do that in the guest room where everybody in this house does it. Then after that, you hit the sack and get off my bozack, no nonsense.

(LPC meows, "Dumb bitch." It's shown on screen but because RK isn't LPC's owner, he doesn't know what he's saying. LPC then scratches RK on the leg, leading to him screaming and the Tropicana Twister landing on the floor)

RK: You jackass, I paid $1.75 for that at the corner store! That's it. You're going to bed by FORCE.

SCENE 7

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is holding LPC and setting him down on a large rug near his closet. Ms. Tuxedo Pants can be seen sleeping on it.

RK: Your mother of all animals should be able to straighten you out. And while you sleep, I want you to think about your actions. I hope it haunts you in your dreams until you try killing yourself. And yes, I know that was dark but when you mess with RK's drinks, you're forcing a large hand to come down on you.

(RK leaves from view, and notices a dollhouse next to his bed)

RK: What the hell? Why is this still here?!

(RK knocks the dollhouse off his drawer and turns off the lights; he starts hearing meowing from LPC)

RK: (Bleep).

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is reading Stephen Chbosky's _The Perks of Being a Wallflower._

RK: You know, I just realized in the movie, Charlie's sister is WAY hotter than Sam.

LPC comes in and starts meowing loudly.

RK: Dude, can you go away? I'm reading this for English class. It's the first book I've read in months that didn't make me feel dirty after reading it.

(LPC starts meowing "Play with me!" "Play with me!" "PLEASE play with me!" while running around and rolling on the floor)

RK: Can you take that somewhere else?! I'm not PLAYING around, cut the nonsense!

(LPC continues meowing and annoying RK; meanwhile, KG is upstairs in the bathroom checking himself out in the mirror)

KG: Yeah, I see you. Hey cutie. Yeah, I see you, sexy boy. Yeah, you're going to screw around tonight, I'll bet. You want it so hard and you don't know when to give up because you have the ass of a warrior. (turns around) Look at this ass. This is a warrior's ass. Do you want it spanked? Do you want it squeezed? Of course you do. For the next ten minutes, I'm my own bitch.

(downstairs) RK: OH MY GOD, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT...THE (BLEEP) UP?!

KG: Wait, what the?

(We see LPC continue to get RK to play with him, even though RK's oblivious to what LPC's trying to get)

RK: GO AWAY! QUIT BOTHERING ME!

(walking down the stairs) KG: Dude, what's with all the screaming? I was trying to go to town on myself.

RK: Ewwww? But KG, I'm sick and tired of this stupid cat! It's always whining at me!

KG: RK, weren't you supposed to be taking care of LPC?

RK: Yes, and I am, but he's pissing me off!

KG: Just stay calm. I'll take care of LPC for the day.

RK: Really? Thanks, bro!

KG: Yeah, but in the meantime, Ms. Tuxedo Pants might need your attention.

(RK hears Ms. Tuxedo Pants puking in the kitchen)

RK: I told her to stay away from the week-old chipotle!

(RK runs to the kitchen, slips on the puke, and crash-lands into one of the cabinets)

RK: Note to self: Don't run in the kitchen when there's vomit in the area.

SCENE 9

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Wade are continuing their series of athletic competitions. However, this one is more of a competition of the minds. The two are taking part in a game of tic-tac-toe.

(drawing an X) SPARKY: Alright, let's go!

WADE: Too bad. I had you trapped in the TWO-WAY! (cackles while drawing an O)

SPARKY: WHAT?!

WADE: I WIN!

JAYLYNN: This was a best-of-seven, and Wade wins the series 4 games to 2.

SPARKY: How do I win the first two games easily, then go on to lose the next four?

WADE: Because when it comes to games of strategy, you're the San Antonio Spurs and I'm the Oklahoma City Thunder, biotch! WOO-HOO-HOO!

JAYLYNN: Are you guys done with these petty contests? (looking inside her notebook) So far, Sparky's won bowling, mini-golf, and wrestling. Wade's won laser tag, badminton, and tic-tac-toe. (closes notebook) It's a dead heat, let's leave it at that.

SPARKY: Are you kidding me? We can't stop now. The score is 3-3.

WADE: Yeah, we're going to keep this going as long as we can. I have to prove to Sparky that I'm the superior athlete.

SPARKY: And I have to prove to Wade that I'm better than him.

JAYLYNN: And I have to prove to Dr. Osborne that he should take you guys in too. I mean, what are you guys going to do next? Have a freaking eating contest?

(Sparky and Wade give each other sly smiles)

JAYLYNN: Weaksauce.

The next thing you see is Sparky and Wade on the living room floor, doubled over in pain, moaning and clutching their stomachs. Jaylynn is watching TV in boredom.

JAYLYNN: You guys need to learn at some point. (long pause) I'm serious.

SPARKY: I should have never thought I could take on two cartons of Triple Chocolate Stomach Punchers at once. The name itself should've been a giveaway.

WADE: How do you think I feel? I had to consume an entire Bay Area Rainbow Sherbet Supreme, with a burger and large fries.

(Sparky and Wade continue moaning)

JAYLYNN: So no one wins this contest, right?

SPARKY: Right.

WADE: Affirmative.

(Sparky and Wade continue moaning while Jaylynn continues watching TV in boredom)

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is putting Ms. Tuxedo Pants on the rug. LPC is also there.

RK: Well, Ms. Tuxedo Pants, you rest up. Tomorrow, I'm taking you to the cat bar to meet some cat fellas. But if you even think about slipping tongue, just remember that it's not too careful using Trojan and contraceptives.

(LPC meows, "I'm hungry")

RK: Oh yeah, KG mentioned you were in the mood for a snack so here's a steak. (tosses a steak on the floor for LPC) If you like it raw, you can freeze it, hollow it out, and turn it into an ashtray. (walking into bed) Man, being responsible is so easy. Good night, cats.

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

("Legacy" by Eminem featuring Polina playing in the background)

LPC and Ms. Tuxedo Pants are meowing softly about RK. They're both visibly angry, and agree that RK is mistreating LPC, unaware of the fact that he's being irresponsible with Buster's pet. The two decide to team up and the mother-son duo climb on top of RK's bed. They keep whipping him with their tails.

RK: Guys, what's...what's going on? Are you trying to do me?

(Ms. Tuxedo Pants and LPC launch a vicious attack on RK, repeatedly scratching him on his face and arms, and tearinghis pajamas. They pressure him out of his bed and start to use weapons like knives and switchblades. RK avoids the more dangerous attacks, and at one point strikes back by hitting LPC with a roundhouse kick. In retaliation, Ms. Tuxedo Pants starts to hiss like a snake and leaps in the air to attack her owner with crazy eyes. The scene ends there, but RK's screams and blood dripping on the floor can be heard.

SEGWAY SEGMENT

CLASSIC MUSIC VIDEOS

JAYLYNN: Hello, everybody. I'm Jaylynn Michelle Huie from the hit television series _Thank You, Heavenly. _And right now is another classic music video. It's from one of the biggest girl groups of all-time, TLC. And the song is known as "What About Your Friends." Enjoy!

Artist: TLC

Song: What About Your Friends

Album: Ooooooohhh... On the TLC Tip

Year: 1992

Label: LaFace, Arista

"What About Your Friends" samples James Brown's "Blues and Pants," along with Sly and the Family Stone's "Sing a Simple Song." The song reached the #7 spot on the Billboard Hot 100, becoming TLC's third straight top ten single at the time (after the #6 "Ain't 2 Proud da Beg" and the #2 "Baby-Baby-Baby").

(The music video for "What About Your Friends" starts playing)

SCENE 12

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Jaylynn are having lunch together. To cover up a majority of the bruises from the cat melee, RK is wearing a ski mask)

RK: I can't believe they did that to me. And what's worse, I bet LPC put my sweet Tuxy up to this. That devil cat is possessed!

JAYLYNN: Are you sure it wasn't anything YOU did? I mean, you do have a habit of causing your own terrible moments.

CUTAWAY GAG

It's Mr. Buslovich's math class, and everybody's learning about circles.

MR. BUSLOVICH: And that's why it's known as the central angle. Any questions?

(RK raises his hand)

MR. BUSLOVICH: Yes, RK?

RK: Why are we learning about the sexual angle?

(With the exception of Mr. Buslovich, everybody gives RK a disgusted look, including Sparky and Jaylynn, who take the class with him)

END OF CUTAWAY

RK: I still don't understand why I got detention that day.

JAYLYNN: Because you kept repeating it!

RK: Well, I'm not going to lose this battle. I'm going to tame LPC so hard, he'll be thinking about me all night long.

(long pause; Jaylynn is confused beyond belief)

JAYLYNN: What the (bleep)?!

(Sparky and Wade rush towards the table exhausted. They're dressed like they just played at Wimbledon, with all-white polo shirts, shorts, socks, and sneakers. Wade has on a white headband, and both are carrying racquets. RK and Jaylynn both look bored.)

RK: You know, from the other side of things, it DOES look stupid.

WADE: At the end of the day when you compare us to you...it's still you.

(RK angrily stares at Wade)

JAYLYNN: So, Borg, Ashe, what have you guys been up to?

WADE: That's historically inaccurate. Bjorn Borg and Arthur Ashe hardly coexisted in men's tennis. A better reference would be to use Borg and John McEnroe. After all, they WERE rivals in the late 1970s and early...

JAYLYNN: Shut the hell up. (long pause) You guys were playing tennis, weren't you?

SPARKY: Yup, and I creamed Wade like a sumo wrestler's birthday cake.

WADE: It was hardly even fair. This kid was firing aces left and right. It's like he had Rafael Nadal up his ass or something.

SPARKY: Write it down in your notebook. We played to 20 and I beat him by 11.

RK: That means the final score was 20-9.

JAYLYNN: I know what the score is, kid! (jots down the tennis score in her notebook) OK, Sparky wins it all, 4-3. Best out of seven, it's him, woo-hoo.

WADE: Are you just trying to be droll? I'm not giving up yet! This isn't over until we can truly determine who the superior athlete is. I challenge you to a Japanese-style ninjitsu duel after school.

SPARKY: Bring it on, Baxter Stockman. I went fighting with my dad in the park all the time when I was little.

WADE: Well, ninjitsu is an institutional competition which crowns its players solely on intellect. And when it comes down to it, nobody has more of a capacity for intellect in ninjitsu than me.

(RK and Jaylynn are sleeping in boredom)

SPARKY: See? You bore everybody.

WADE: But YOU'RE not asleep.

SPARKY: Crap! Even when he loses, he wins.

SCENE 13

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is taping a paper on a bowl full of cat food. KG comes down the steps.

KG: RK, what are you doing? (RK turns around) And why do you look like Q-Tip?

(RK takes off his ski mask to reveal his wounds)

KG: DUDE, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!

RK: I don't know. Last night, Ms. Tuxedo Pants was brainwashed by her delinquent son LPC to double-team me in an ambush. It was a complete snafu, a total sham, an undeniable moment of sabotage, a full-on...

KG: I get it.

RK: Screwjob. Look, you don't need to worry about me, I'm perfectly fine.

KG: You have scratches all over and a black eye.

RK: You get used to it after it happens more than once. I'm going to domesticate LPC and get him to behave. You see that bowl of cat food over there with the note?

(The camera cuts to a shot of the note, which says "You win! I sirender!")

KG: Yup.

RK: Well (putting ski mask back on)...I plan to get LPC back with this glass of water. (holds up glass) I pour it on him, rough him up just a bit and force him to be a good kitty.

(The camera is focusing on Ms. Tuxedo Pants in the kitchen, who can hear everything and is very angry about it)

KG: Or you could just try treating him with love and respect.

RK: I am, but that stupid cat doesn't want to do the same. He deserves everything he's going to get and nothing's going to get in the way of that. Here he comes! (RK hides behind the couch and pushes KG down with him)

(LPC has approached the scene)

KG: Are you sure this isn't going to blow up in your face?

RK: Of course I am. Humans are smarter than animals. Besides, we're the only ones who know.

(Ms. Tuxedo Pants appears behind RK and loudly meows)

RK: Tuxy, we're in the middle of fooling your...

(RK turns around and realizes he's so grounded)

RK: Oh, (bleep).

(LPC leaps over the couch and goes after RK alongside Ms. Tuxedo Pants while KG runs away)

SCENE 14

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

("Sound of Madness" by Shinedown playing in the background)

Sparky and Wade are competing in the art of Japanese ninjitsu. Sparky has dual katana (Niten Ryu) for a weapon and Wade has a rokushakubo (which can convert to a naginata via a blade inside one end of the staff) for a weapon. Sparky has on a blue mask and Wade has on a purple mask.

JAYLYNN: Are you guys sure about this?

SPARKY: You bet!

WADE: Now ring the bell!

JAYLYNN: I'm not paying the hospital bill, you know. (rings bell)

Sparky and Wade go at it by first trying to weaken the other with their weapon. Sparky tears Wade's shirt with his katana, and in return, gets knocked in the head with the staff. Wade goes for another blow but Sparky overpowers him and stabs him in the chest with his katana. Sparky does it three more times, and it looks like Wade might lose when he flips Sparky over and whacks him again with the staff. Wade's anger drives him to put Sparky on top of his staff and drive him into the refrigerator, rocking the TSE leader. Wade attempts to go for a randori-style move, but Sparky slashes him in the face with his katana. Wade is bleeding from the mouth, but doesn't want to stop the pressure and comes back with another staff shot. This time, Wade flips off the kitchen table and hits Sparky in the chest with the roku. Wade takes Sparky back to the living room, and brutalizes him three more times in the head with the staff. Sparky attempts to get up, and slashes Wade in the leg with the katana. Enraged, Wade knocks Sparky in the head again and hits him with a gutwrench powerbomb through the coffee table. Sparky can't answer Jaylynn's 10-count and Wade wins.

JAYLYNN: This is the stupidest (bleep) I've ever been a part of, Wade wins.

(Jaylynn leaves with her notebook and bell, and Wade collapses in exhaustion)

SCENE 15

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is setting up a cardboard television and television stand with puppets when KG appears on screen)

KG: RK, what are you doing?

RK: A study on Calvinism at Boston College. What does it look like? I'm planning a puppet show.

KG: What would you need to plan a puppet show for?

RK: Look, little kids dig puppets, right?

KG: Positive public opinion when it comes to that, yes.

RK: So, if little kids can be swayed by puppets to do whatever it is they say, then cats must be swayed also.

KG: Doubt it. Hasn't anyone ever told you that cats are one of the most free-spirited animals in the world?

RK: No.

(long pause; RK and KG give each other bored looks)

KG: Alright, well, I'm going to meet Rodney at the Funplex. You want anything back?

RK: Red Lobster?

KG: We'll see about that. Have fun with your puppet show.

RK: Thanks.

(KG leaves, and LPC and Ms. Tuxedo Pants walk in)

RK: Hello, felines. You're about to witness the puppet show...of a lifetime.

(RK goes behind the stand, and the two cats look unamused; one of the puppets is a monkey)

(exaggerated, goofy voice) RK: Hi, I'm...Hot...Daddy...Puppet Monkey Boy! And today, we're going to learn about respect. What's that? It's Saul the Seal! (puts up seal puppet and has a deep voice) Hi kids! I LOVE respect!

(The two cats look bored)

RK: Saul, what can you tell the kids about respect? You have to earn it. You can't just...attack the person who's taking care of you in an attempt to demonstrate responsibility, and think it's respect. That's disrespect. Gee, Saul, what kind of sick fat cat would think that? They need to...what the hell is the audience doing? I'M TALKING HERE!

(LPC and Ms. Tuxedo Pants are gone; RK turns around and realizes the two cats are looking dead at him)

(Hot Daddy voice) RK: Oh, (bleep).

(The two cats attack RK yet again, and during this, he continues to scream like Hot Daddy Puppet Monkey Boy)

RK: SAUL, HELP ME! HELP ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH! (Saul voice) I CAN'T GET INVOLVED IN A FIGHT! THAT'S NOT RESPECTFUL!

SCENE 16

The Maria Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

RK is ringing the doorbell. He is holding LPC, who meows in disapproval.

RK: Shut up! I'm not proud of this either, but you forced my hand. You're staying here until Buster comes back!

(Gilcania opens the door)

GILCANIA: Sweet Jesus. What do you want, boo-boo?

RK: I need you to take care of LPC until Buster comes back. He's just way too much to handle and he has a very bad influence on his mother!

GILCANIA: Honey, you're telling me that your cat gave birth to Buster's cat.

RK: And Sparky's cat, it's a very funny episode. Look, we hate each other but I have to prove to Buster that I'm responsible. So here, take LPC, please.

(Gilcania takes the time to think about it)

GILCANIA: Alright, baby, I'll take care of him.

RK: Thanks Gilcy!

GILCANIA: But are you sure you're showing responsibility by giving Buster's cat to me? Think about it.

(Gilcania closes the door after taking LPC)

RK: Dammit, that almost worked!

SCENE 17

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is watching TV, although he seems disappointed. Ms. Tuxedo Pants comes in and meows, "What did you do with my son?" What the cat says can be shown on-screen.

RK: Gilcy's taking care of her until Buster comes back from Philadelphia.

"Why would you do that? I thought you wanted Buster to see you're responsible."

RK: That cat annoyed me to no end, AND brainwashed you into conspiring to attack me. Face it, LPC is a menace.

"Because of YOU. YOU treated him like nothing."

RK: How is this my fault? That I'm a victim of Buster's leniency?

"Go to Buster's condo. The cat food."

(long pause; RK is slowly realizing Ms. Tuxedo Pants may be right)

RK: Oh, (bleep).

The next thing you see is RK's car pulling up to Buster's condo. He goes inside and notices Buster's TV is gone, and his couch is totaled.

RK: Well, I had nothing to do with THIS.

(RK checks the pantry and takes out the cat food he forgot to bring home)

RK: Oh my God. I forgot to feed LPC!

("Where Do I Go" by Sebastian Mego playing in the background)

(RK thinks back to when LPC wanted to play and his attempts to get him out of the way)

RK: I forgot to give him any exercise.

(RK also thinks about the steak incident, the spilled Tropicana Twister, the cat food trap, and Doink the Clown for some unknown reason)

RK: Oh my God. It's true. I AM irresponsible.

(RK starts tearing up, and gets back in his car with the cat food in the trunk. Next stop: Gilcania's place.)

With the montage not over, RK gets LPC back from Gilcania in tears, much to Gilcania's confusion, heads back to his place, and starts treating LPC the right way. In a couple hours, RK gives Buster's pet cat two square meals, dances with him and Ms. Tuxedo Pants until he starts to clutch his head in pain and collapse, and is revived with a glass of water by a bored, but proud KG. RK gives LPC a third helping of cat food at night, and reads a bedtime story at night to him and Ms. Tuxedo Pants. The two felines give RK an Eskimo kiss and they all go to bed. Montage over.

SCENE 18

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is watching TV with LPC and Ms. Tuxedo Pants when Buster walks in, enraged.

RK: What's up, Buster? How was Philadelphia?

BUSTER: Terrible. I met my old friend Lilibeth there. She was one of my besties in the first grade and it was my first time seeing her since then. But she's lame as (bleep) now. All she does is talk about Satan and kamikazes and the first three seasons of _SpongeBob. _And you would think a hot girl like that would have manners? No, she's a pig. Her hot dog fell on the ground, and she kept on eating it, even after someone had stepped on it.

RK: What a gross weirdo.

BUSTER: I also thought it would be cool to do the Cheesesteak Shuffle while standing outside Pat's King of Steaks.

RK: And?

BUSTER: The people there spit on me, gave me the finger, booed me, and then proceeded to beat the crap out of me. Even the paramedics joined in because I was from Seattle and needed to learn respect.

RK: Wow.

BUSTER: And after finding out I have to buy a new TV and couch, it's just nice to sit here and vent to a guy I know I can trust.

(in his mind) RK: I could tell Buster what happened. That I mistreated LPC and almost proved I wasn't responsible. But after everything I did to erase that label, I thought it was best...to keep it to myself.

BUSTER: So what happened here? LPC give you a hard time?

(RK and LPC stare at each other, and they wink in-stereo, which is basically an "I won't tell if you don't" moment)

RK: Oh, nothing. Everything was smooth sailing.

BUSTER: Cool, cool. Hey, have you seen Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn lately? I feel like they've been busy since I left.

RK: I think you're right. Jaylynn said something about Sparky and Wade having the ultimate competition today. Whatever that means.

SCENE 19

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

("This Means War" by Nickelback playing in the background)

Sparky and Wade are on opposite sides of the coffee table. It's time for the final contest: Arm wrestling.

SPARKY: You know, arm wrestling was a great final idea, Wade. Too bad you lost the rock-paper-scissors series in five games to determine the host.

WADE: Yeah. And too bad you lost the best-of-three coin flip to determine who came up with the idea of the last game to determine the host.

JAYLYNN: You guys are so confusing. Let this be the end.

SPARKY: It will.

WADE: ON GUARD!

(Sparky and Wade lock up for the last event. Sparky won bowling, mini golf, wrestling, and tennis. Wade won laser tag, badminton, tic-tac-toe, and ninjitsu. This one is for the world championship.)

WADE: You know, Sparky, when I was in the third grade, I was the arm wrestling champion.

SPARKY: Really? Interesting, seeing as how you were never a third-grader.

WADE: Well, I was still champion. And it's all thanks to one word: Fulcrum.

SPARKY: You listen to folk music and drink rum before each match? What a weird portmanteau.

WADE: It's not a portmanteau! Arm wrestling comes down to basic physics. As long as your elbow has the proper fulcrum established, it's just about angles, leverage, and torque.

SPARKY: You got that from _The Suite Life on Deck, _you dick!

WADE: Yeah, well, it's a brilliant strategy and I'm going to utilize it here.

(Wade begins to have Sparky reeling from the fulcrum strategy, but Sparky bounces back with his pound-and-ground method of brute strength from within)

SPARKY: You should be worried right about now, kid.

WADE: If I were you, I would be worried about myself.

SPARKY: Why?

WADE: Fulcrum.

SPARKY: What?

(Wade slams Sparky's arm down so emphatically, Sparky falls down)

SPARKY: AAAAAHHHH! OOF!

(raises up Wade's hand) JAYLYNN: Here is your winner and the new Testicular Sound Express World Heavyweight Sports Champion...WADE...

(Before Jaylynn can finish, Sparky hits Wade with a Rock Bottom through the coffee table)

SPARKY: YEAH! NOW I'M THE LAST MAN STANDING!

(Jaylynn kicks Sparky in the midsection, then hits him with a Pedigree)

JAYLYNN: I'M the last (bleep) man standing.

(Jaylynn smirks and leaves the house while Sparky and Wade lay motionless)

SINGERS: Everybody hates Chris...

(black screen)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("We Want Eazy" by Eazy-E featuring Dr. Dre and MC Ren playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY WRESTLEMANIA SUNDAY


	2. RK vs LPC & Ms Tuxedo Pants B-Pass

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES

-This was originally supposed to be produced as part of the first season a year ago, but it didn't because I was creatively burned out at the time. I also didn't plan on Buster going to Philadelphia originally.

-"Welcome to the World" was originally supposed to air around this time, or before WrestleMania, but I started to realize while writing the script that it was too big an idea and I had nowhere to go with it. So I decided to just develop this episode. I'll probably see if I can do it next year. Plus, WrestleMania XXXI will be in Santa Clara (in California) so maybe the different location will make things easier? Seattle is a lot closer to Santa Clara than New Orleans so who knows?

-This might be one of the best episodes of the second season. Or one of my personal favorites. I'm not sure if I can top "The Bad Boys Club," but anything can happen. I know I'm going to do all I can to make "The Time Machine" a classic. So here's the plot: RK gets to undo a mistake he made with Wade's brand-new time machine. However, he begins going back in time too much and keeps making things better for himself, along with other people. Although this should technically be a good thing, Wade realizes that RK's constant time travel is negatively affecting past events in his life and Wade's. So the two have to patch the hole in the space-time continuum before things get worse. It's supposed to be a tribute to the Brian and Stewie adventures on _Family Guy. _I was originally planning on making it an hour, but that meant that I would have to cut an episode from the second season or the third season would start with the show's 51st episode. I didn't want that. So "The Time Machine" is a regular half-hour. That way, new episodes can air every week in April and the show's 50th episode will kick off the third season in September.

-The second season started a little premature, literally a month after the Season 1 finale. This time, I want the promotion to be big for the third season. I think the night before, I'll plan a retrospective on _Thank You, Heavenly_'s first 49 episodes and the impact it's had on the world so far. It'll be titled, um, a..."How Five Stupid Kids Got to 50 Episodes." Something like that. Alright, on with the episode.

-There were a few references to the pilot "The RK Feline Fiasco." See if you can spot them all.

-Like I said before, this episode was supposed to come a year ago (the night of WrestleMania XXIX) so I had the montage with "Showstopper" set. Just not the dialogue. You know, I actually didn't really plan this. Just the plot, and since Jaylynn joined the main cast, I flipped that around too.

-Michael Yarmush was the first voice actor for Arthur Read on _Arthur _(1996-2000). He left after the fifth season and was replaced by Justin Bradley. That kid didn't last long. Luke Reid was the Brain's first voice actor on _Arthur _(1996-1999). He left after the fourth season and was replaced by Steven Crowder. This is also a reference to Sparky and Wade's respective personalities. Sparky is just like Arthur and Wade is just like Brain.

-I don't know if anyone's noticed, but RK has gotten stupider since the first season. Not significantly stupid to the point where he can't be relied on for anything, but he's less of a thinker now and more outlandish. I realized that because Jaylynn came into the group and her cynical personality is similar to RK's, RK had to branch out by becoming quirkier and more psychotic. That's why Jaylynn points out that Buster used to be the stupid one, but RK is now capable of acting the same way. Jaylynn is more similar to how RK was in the first season. Buster is still the group's idiot, but it's just something to keep in mind.

-Gilcania Maria is based off the real-life Gilcania who goes to my school. She has the same mannerisms as the cartoon version. I don't feel the same way about Gilcy that RK does, just to make that perfectly clear. I'm actually friends with her. This is just to create tension between RK and a recurring character. Like how Jaylynn dislikes Halley. Besides, you know our RK.

-RK referenced the season six _Arthur _episode "Friday the 13th" in response to Buster telling him he wasn't listening.

-Callaghan Street is a reference to _Family Guy _executive producer/showrunner Steve Callaghan.

-Operation Another Part of Me is eponymously named after the Michael Jackson song off his 1987 album _Bad._

_-_RK looking through his refrigerator for a drink and rejecting the Sunny D is a parody of the late 1980s/early 1990s commercials where kids would look for a drink and eventually settle on Sunny D.

-If you don't get the dollhouse joke, take a look at "The Wade Crusade."

-LPC trying to get an annoyed RK to play with him is a reference to the season one _Martha Speaks _episode "Martha vs. Robot," where Dynamo does the exact same thing to Ronald.

-RK telling LPC to shut the f*** up is a reference to WWE Superstar Chris Jericho's old catchphrase which is similar.

-Sparky and Wade made reference to the 2012 Western Conference Finals where the San Antonio Spurs easily won the first two games, then went on to lose the next four games and the series to the Oklahoma City Thunder. The Thunder went on to lose to the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals by the way.

-Sparky regretting his decision to eat two cartons of Triple Chocolate Stomach Punchers is a reference to the season one _JONAS _episode "Home Not Alone," where Kevin says the same thing. The difference is Kevin ate one carton.

-Having Eminem's "Legacy" play in the background while LPC & Ms. Tuxedo Pants attack RK is a reference to the video packages for the John Cena/Bray Wyatt match at WrestleMania XXX, where "Legacy" played in the background of those as well.

-RK wearing a ski mask to cover his cat attack wounds is a reference to what A Tribe Called Quest's Q-Tip did after being given a black eye in an assault by Wreckx-n-Effect. The new jack swing group believed that in "Jazz (We've Got)," Phife Dawg's line "Strictly hardcore tracks, not a new jack swing" was directed towards them. In response, they attacked Q-Tip outside a New York nightclub. That's why in ATCQ's music video for "Hot Sex," Q-Tip is seen wearing a weird ski mask. KG lampshades this later. The beef between A Tribe Called Quest and Wreckx-n-Effect wasn't squashed until Afrika Bambaataa was called in.

-Sparky used _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' _Baxter Stockman to insult Wade, due to Baxter being inept, awkward, and a failure.

-Sparky and Wade's fight was a complete reference to _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, _as Sparky was meant to be Leonardo and Wade was meant to be Donatello, right down to the weapons. This is another reference to the boys' personalities.

-RK's Hot Daddy Puppet Monkey Boy puppet is a reference to the season eight _Full House _episode "Breaking Away," where Jesse tries (and fails) to use the same puppet to distract Nicky and Alex.

-The GEICO Cheesesteak Shuffle commercial has been negatively received, especially from Philadelphia natives who say that anyone performing the dance in the city will get hurt. Which is exactly why Buster was put in that situation.

-Wade's explanation of the fulcrum strategy is taken from the season one _Suite Life on Deck _episode "Mulch Ado About Nothing."

-The ending of this episode is a reference to _Everybody Hates Chris, _because in almost every episode, something somehow goes wrong for Chris, either because he was the cause of it himself or it was completely out of his control.


End file.
